Auto-Tune the News #11: Pure Poppycock. (ft. Joel Madden)

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Broadcasters become stars and stars become broadcasters as an ominous hip-hop sample infuses the news of the day. Joel Madden guests as a fictional CBS correspondent. UPDATE: any resemblance the intentional performers may bear to media personalities living or dead is purely coincidental.

Find Joel Madden online:

http://www.goodcharlotte.com

http://www.twitter.com/JoelMadden

Mike Penny shreds the shamisen. His YouTube channel:

http://www.youtube.com/mikepenny01

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Lyrics available in the closed captions (turn the on at the bottom-right-hand corner of the youtube player)!
and here:

NF: You have the charisma of a damp rag!
Gorilla: Damp rag!
NF: You have the appearance of a bank clerk!
Gorilla: Bank Clerk!
NF: Who are you? I’d never heard of you!
Gorilla: Eat my poo!
NF: Nobody in Europe had ever heard of you!
But I have no doubt that it’s your intention
To be the quiet assassin of European democracy.
Perhaps that’s because you come from Belgium
Which of course, is pretty much a non-country.
We don’t know you, we don’t want you!
The sooner you’re put out to grass, the better!
We don’t like you, we don’t want you!
Gorilla: Our logic and reason have proved you wrong!
Bølverk: Go back to Douchebagistan where you belong!
Gorilla: Don’t make me have to start World War III !
Bølverk: Bring it on, these guns are WMD!
NG: We don’t know you, we don’t want you!
We don’t like you, we don’t want you!

KC: Last month, comedian Bill Cosby
was surprised to read that he died.
JM: How can he read if he’s dead?
KC: Chief Justice John Roberts
was the last to know he resigned.
JM: Maybe he should check his head!
KC:All of those stories, of course are pure poppycock
that proliferated online.
JM: I do it all the time, makin up s— is so sublime.
KC: But that of course is little solace for the reader
who simply wants to surf the web
without getting pulled under by a riptide of lies.
JM: You can’t protect the web from a–holes like me, shorty!
KC: Truth can rip through cyberspace as quickly as lies
Bloggers gnaw at new information like piranhas in a pool
JM: Don’t play me for a fool you know as well as I,
we’re both getting owned by the
Both: Rip, riptide of lies
pulled under by a rip, riptide of lies
Pure poppycock!
I want to surf, surf the web
without getting pulled under
by a rip, riptide of lies!

GB: You hit on a guy at a wedding.
EM: I I So
GB: Explain that one first.
EM: Okay, so we’re at a wedding, New Year’s Eve,
everyone had too much to drink.
There were 300 people there,
I went with a bridesmaid, danced with her,
I grabbed a bachelor.
Now they’re sayin I groped a male staffer!
Yeah, I did! – Um. – Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Staffers: A manly back-rub. Just a back rub!
EM: We all live together, all the bachelors and me.
Staffers: Naked in the tub!
EM:You can take anything out of context!
Staffers:Huggin!
EM: You can take anything out of context!
Staffers: Scrubbin!
EM: You can take anything out of context!
Staffers: Rubbin and humpin!
EM: Yeah!
Staffers: Ticklin and jumpin!
EM: Yeah, yeah! I tickled him till he couldn’t breathe,
then four guys jumped on me.
It’s my fiftieth birthday.
GB: Whether you’re telling the truth or not,
An avalanche is coming your way.
An avalanche of lies,
SG: pulled under by an avalanche of lies!
KC/JM: Pure poppycock!
GB: Whether you’re telling the truth or not,
SG: you’re guaranteed to get caught
Both: in an avalanche of lies!

Staffer: Massa staffers! Droppin a St. Bernard of truth
But we already drank the brandy
My boss tickles me like a true G,
He straddles me so masculine
No stoppin’ when i’m askin’ him
When he cootchie-coo my armpits, i’m a goner
Tryna pretend that i don’t notice his boner!
Tryna distract him with headlines from China
He just drop his drawers and pull out his vagina!

——–
Staffers:
Whenever you hear the boss swaggerin down the hall,
you know he gonna drop a double cup on your tennis balls!
You have to be a soldier, a real man,
to soothe a male staffer with the stroke from a tender hand!
Ain’t nothin wrong with a Massa massage
when you’re in a chronic platonic quintuple menage!
The entourage gripped in a bear hug that they can’t escape
Tryna pretend they don’t notice when he ejacu- -

Duration : 0:4:20

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